Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
