Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
