I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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