I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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