You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
