this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
