Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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