If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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