cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
