WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
