Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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