I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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