you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
