Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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