i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
