2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
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