Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
