it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
