And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
