when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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