had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
