It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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