i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
