I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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