Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
