Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You ruined the universe
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
