Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
