I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
