Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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