just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
