So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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