so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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