New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
