Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
