you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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