And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
