She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
