Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
