just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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