I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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