I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
