I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
