I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i think i have two assholes
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
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