she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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