I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
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