So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
