i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
