Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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