Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
