i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
