Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
