So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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