I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I forget how to act sober
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
