Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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