DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
