In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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